Love of Self

With Valentine’s Day around the corner my mind keeps going to the word “love.” Most of us think of that word in relation to someone else: a spouse, child, parent and friend. Over the past two years I’ve reflected a lot on the importance of loving one’s community and country.  But today I’m focused on a different sort of love, “self-love.”

To most people “self-love” implies selfishness. In fact, the definition of the word would support the belief, i.e., “The instinct or desire to promote one’s own well-being; regard for or love of one’s self.”

And while I generally agree that focusing one’s thoughts “inward” can often lead to a sense of narcissism or entitlement, I also believe, that with a deep loving connection to oneself, a person can create a calmer and more centered life.

In my opinion, the greater you care for yourself the greater your capacity to care for others.  It’s through self-love that we develop the tools and resources to be better caretakers of the environment, animals, relationships. It’s probably one of the greatest gifts we can give to humanity. If you practice self-care through a sense of inner compassion toward yourself, you often take time to reflect on the blessings of your life, slow down to let someone pass in front of you without anger, or take a moment to reach out to an old friend.  

So this Valentine’s Day I asked my friend/mentor and teacher, Ramaa Krishnan, to expand on this sentiment and share her thoughts on the importance of loving one’s self.

Ramaa’s refection…

Many of us seek love – to have and to hold it forever and ever. People struggle with the ups and downs in that journey, but do not always understand the complexities within this beautiful emotion.

There are two experiences of love. One is the love that we receive in relationship to others which is more obvious and the other is in relationship to oneself, which is subtler. The love we receive in relationship with family, friends and community is a beautiful thing, but it is built on the more fundamental love that we receive in relationship to our self.

The relationship with our self is, in fact, our primary relationship and every other relationship is only a corollary to that one. In other words, the state of all other relationships is directly connected to the state of that primary one.

Remember the story of the Princess and the Pea? Although so many mattresses were laid on the first one, the subtle pressure of the pea upon the delicate back of the princess left her uneasy and sleepless. In the same way, if our relationship with our self is knotted with unresolved tension, even the greatest friend or lover cannot help us to relax and enjoy connection.

What is this self we are referring to? It is our basic human self- the person within- the one who is great on the one hand, yet fraught with imperfections and anomalies on the other. Each of us is a unique being on the planet and no person has greater access to our inner world than we do. One of my spiritual teachers in India had once said to me, “Love is a stand that you take.” I think of his words often. Nature has wired us to “take a stand” to love our children just the way they are. Despite their many flaws and mistakes, we love them. Completely. Unconditionally.

But we were not wired to love ourselves that way. To see and love ourselves as we are, is a choice we must make: even when we do not understand or cannot make sense of our nature. A choice we need to make over and over again- when we do things right and particularly when we do things wrong.

Yet true self-love is not blind narcissism. It is conscious, honest, and invites us to live up to our potential. It is not self-criticism or self-improvement, which, to quote the great mindfulness teacher Pema Chodron, is a “subtle aggression against who you are.” True self-love is inspiring and working with yourself to “rise and shine.” It is adopting a life-style that honors your individuality and invests the time to discover who you really are behind the labels of good and bad, success and failure. It cultivates good habits of food and exercise from a place of genuine personal nurturance and not from competition and comparison with another.

This honoring of the light within us in all its originality is a most spiritual act and brings deep peace and joy into our lives. It is powerful and has a ripple effect upon all other relationships and all the lives we touch.

 Meg’s note:  So this Valentine’s Day as you reflect on the love you feel for those around you take a moment to honor the beautiful soul inside you.

Zen Moment

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

 ― Marianne Williamson